In a small town in southwest Missouri, about an hour from where the new Springfield, MO temple will be built, there’s a busy, bustling home wherein you can find the Lesue (pronounced le-sway) party of 11. Ben and Rebecca Lesue’s nine kids range from ages seven to 23. Rebecca home schools on top of teaching group piano lessons to 36+ students from the community, so rare is the quiet moment. But they’re used to happy noise. Rebecca’s the oldest of 12 kids, and Ben’s the oldest of four. They met in the middle, plus one, when their grand finale was, surprise – twins! “Our lives are measured by before twins, and after twins; they rocked our world,” laughs Rebecca. Luckily, Ben, an English teacher as well as an officer in the Army National Guard, is often around to help manage the chaos at home as well as take the older kids along on outdoor adventures as he strives to meet his goal of climbing the highest peak in every state.
The peaks and valleys of the past few years have also included a pre- and post-2020 mindset for Ben and Rebecca as devoted LGBTQ+ allies and advocates. In April of that year, one of Rebecca’s younger brothers, a returned LDS missionary, came out as gay.
“Immediately, this changed our hearts,” says Rebecca, of her family’s views on LGBTQ. “Before, there had been cousins and nieces who identified as LGBTQ, but they lived far away. When it’s someone in your immediate family who you know up close, then you realize how many stereotypes aren’t true.” Rebecca’s entire family responded with love toward her brother. About a year later, after Elder Holland’s address to BYU in August of 2021, both Rebecca and Ben felt compelled to increase their understanding of LGBTQ issues. They binged books and podcasts including Tom Christofferson’s book, That We May Be One and the Questions from the Closet and Listen, Learn and Love podcasts. The Lesues were especially moved with how the Christofferson family resolved that nothing would take Tom (or his partner) out of their family circle of love.
In November of 2021, Rebecca started reading Charlie Bird’s book, Without the Mask. Out of nowhere, she felt impressed that their daughter Ana also needed to read the book but Rebecca didn’t know why. Ana had moved about an hour away to attend a community college, and her parents knew she had been struggling with some anxiety for a few years, but they could never pinpoint the source. Rebecca says she felt inspired to write Ana an email in which she asked, “Is there a reason I should be worrying about you?” The next day, Ana replied that Rebecca’s worries weren’t baseless because she had been feeling “a little more sad than usual… I was reflecting on how many times it has felt like God has stood me up… I’ve accepted myself as part of the LGBTQ+ community.” More specifically, Ana identified herself as nonbinary and queer. She said she didn’t want to go to church anymore because “the church doesn’t make a place for those who are queer.”
Rebecca admits she had to google the words “nonbinary” and “queer.” She says, “Truthfully, it might have been easier if she’d come out as gay or trans, because I had zero context for ‘nonbinary’ or ‘queer’.” When asked what those terms mean to her, Ana replies, “In the simplest terms possible, being non-binary and queer just means I don’t identify with gender or sexuality as society has defined them… For me, gender is complicated. I feel connected to it very deeply, yet I don’t at the same time. I’ve experienced a lot of dysphoria in the past about being seen as a woman, but I like being a woman sometimes. Other times, I know I’m not just a woman. Gender is fluid and ever changing to me, so narrowing it down to one very specific label didn’t work. It’s the same way with my sexuality. Being non-binary and queer just means I’m pushing away what I thought I knew about gender and sexuality, and I’m letting my feelings be my guide.”
Of their learning curve, Rebecca says, “Ana was patient with us, and gave us the benefit of the doubt that our questions were because we wanted to understand and not because we were trying to attack her.” Ben observed that after Ana came out, she was much happier, as if a weight had been lifted. “Her great smile, which we hadn't seen for a long time, was back. It was a relief to see her being herself again. It occurred to me how awful we are as a society that we don't allow people to be their authentic selves -- that we force the LGBTQ community to live lies. It's an integrity thing--we expect people to be honest, yet we don't allow them to live their truth by shaming, criticizing, discriminating, and othering people who don't fit the mold. That is why I work for inclusivity now, especially in the church.”
After Ana came out, Ben was 100% ready to be an ally, an activist, and a protector for Ana. But Rebecca was worried about pushing Ana to define herself too soon or blocking her into a corner by being public. And Rebecca needed more time to process the whole situation. She says, “For me, our daughter leaving the church was harder than her coming out.”
At the time, Ben was serving as a counselor in the bishopric and he was moved by how supportive their bishop, a close friend, was and how often he consulted Ben on LGBTQ+ issues that arose in the ward. With their stake president’s support, they planned a ward LGBTQ-themed fireside to educate the members in order to create more safe and inclusive spaces. They faced pushback from some ward members, but they concluded that was just more evidence they needed to move forward.
That bishopric has since been released, but Ben wears his Dragon Dads pin to church, which sometimes leads to uncomfortable conversations. But Ben says, “That confirms it’s important for me to wear it.”
Besides loving to hike and climb with her dad, Ana, who describes herself as a shy kid who “talked more to (herself) than to friends growing up,” loves reading fantasy, romance, mystery and sci-fi novels and comics and storytelling, as well as communicating with sticker covered letters to several pen pals. She also loves “watching zombie TV shows, obsessing over stationary and little trinkets, and thrifting Hawaiian shirts that are much too big for me.” Ana started homeschooling in high school, after being bullied through middle school. In hindsight, her parents feel the choice to home school may have saved their daughter’s life.
Before coming out to her parents, Ana had already confided in some online friends, an LGBTQ+ cousin, and two of her sisters. She says while her parents seemed “blindsided,” they have been supportive and she says she “never had to question whether I’d be safe, accepted, and loved, and for that, I’m very privileged, but my anxiety still made it hard to talk about it.” She came out publicly in a social media post on October 11, 2022, National Coming Out Day, and says she received many heartfelt messages of love and support from extended family and friends. Ben and Rebecca remained on standby to field any unkind responses.
Ana stopped going to church in 2021, which felt complicated considering her roots. She says, “My mother's family has members going back generations and my father's mom was one of the first members ever in her small community in Mexico. My family and the church seemed inseparable. That saddened me deeply... I didn't know how to reconcile my blooming identities and shifting testimony with the picture-perfect plan I had made with God in mind. I prayed a lot without any answer, so I learned to figure it out on my own… I can of course appreciate some of the good values I got from the church, but at this point, I don't know that I'll ever revisit it. That is, not until God decides gay couples aren't an attack on the family and lets them get married in the temple at the very least.”
The rest of the Lesue family still attends church and their oldest son is preparing to serve a mission. But Ben says, “This all caused me to question a lot about the church for a while; it was pretty negative and caused some strife. But as I continued to read, I learned about faith transitions and recognized that as what I was experiencing. I think I’m coming out on the other end of that process now with a deeper, albeit a different faith that’s more strongly rooted in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ than maybe the church itself. I am active, though, and feel I need to stay in to advocate and hopefully bring about some change – which is easier to do from the inside.”
Rebecca says she is more careful to honor the personhood of each of her children and tries to parent by principles rather than arbitrary rules. She focuses on leading with love with their kids. She advocates for LGBTQ+ by sharing positive comments and experiences, and by speaking up if someone says anything negative. She says, “I think we can quietly be an advocate to one person at a time.” Rebecca’s also received the prompting to “Stand ye in holy places,” and has found comfort in increasing her temple attendance and trusting the Lord will work out all the details of where everyone fits into the plan. “I believe it’s beautiful; we just need more revelation”.
Rebecca says that for a long time before Ana came out, she had wanted to put a tag on her Facebook profile that she supported LGBTQ+, but she wasn’t sure how it would be perceived – would it be offensive to her conservative friends and piano clients, and/or possibly to her LGBTQ+ friends who might sense that she was posturing but not actively advocating? But after a podcast episode on which Charlie and Ben spoke about how meaningful it was to them if someone wore a rainbow pin, she decided to add that support sticker to her profile. She says, “Ana came out to us just a few weeks later, and I was so glad I had added it. And since then, several of my LGBTQ+ friends have told me they feel happy and supported whenever they see it. It is a small thing, but it is meaningful.”
Of this experience, Ben says, “I’ve grown to be more compassionate, whereas before, empathy and compassion weren’t big strengths for me. Our family is more openly loving toward each other. We realize that having an LGBTQ child wasn’t a curse or a trial , but a gift that teaches us how to love better, in a more Christlike way. We’re more unified as a family – our kids are each other’s best friends. The older four especially hang out together, go shopping and attend KPOP concerts.” Rebecca adds, “You can tell when Ana is home because there’s so much happy noise in the house – laughter, jokes. She’s such a gentle, loving soul and a great big sister. I know she needed to move out to grow up and all, but I miss her – the spirit she brings into the home. She’s a gift to our family. If anything, we just feel honored that God trusted us with her and blessed our family with her.”
