lift+love family stories by autumn mcalpin
Since 2021, Lift+Love has shared hundreds of real stories from Latter-day Saint LGBTQ individuals, their families, and allies. These stories—written by Autumn McAlpin—emerged from personal interviews with each participant and were published with their express permission.
THE SAIS FAMILY
“This is a season Rebecca and Jeff Sais have eagerly anticipated for a long time. Jeff comes from a multi-generational farming family; and after working for four decades in the agricultural business himself, he was able to retire in August. Now the couple is in Provo’s Missionary Training Center preparing to embark on 18 months of senior missionary service in Kentucky, where they have been tasked with developing the church’s ARP program -- an opportunity they say never would have happened if it weren’t for their testimony of the Savior that deepened through raising their daughter, Lindsey (41).
Lindsey is the oldest of her siblings, John – 39, Erin – 33, and Andy – 31. The Sais kids were all born in Idaho, and raised in Santa Maria, CA where they moved in ’93. Rebecca and Jeff have always strictly followed the principles of their LDS faith. As a child, Rebecca says Lindsey was very spiritual and obedient, super bright, and always loved school. She also loved looking for worms to sell and playing outside, and was the head of her T-ball team. She did not like pink or anything frilly. Rebecca now regrets that there were times she tried to encourage her daughter to wear her hair differently, or otherwise be something she wasn’t. After entering high school, Lindsey later got involved with friends who drank and smoke pot. She also had no interest in dating and never expressed wanting to do so. While her parents had suspicions about Lindsey’s reality, Rebecca says, “We were in denial. We didn’t talk about it. We tried to love and support her the best we knew how, but she had different ideas and became closed off.”
Long Beach State became Lindsey’s new home after high school, and in college, her drinking and drug use became a problem. She’d occasionally visit home, where house rules mandated she align with gospel living, and this caused some friction between her and her parents. While at school, Lindsey became involved with a (non-LDS) man, and the two married civilly in an LDS chapel. Afterwards, he joined the church, and at the urging of Rebecca and Jeff, the two took temple prep classes and were sealed. Lindsey’s husband was in the military which moved them to Hawaii. There, things spiraled downward fast. Lindsey hung out more and more with her gay friends, and ultimately came out to her husband (but not her parents). At Christmas, they told their families they were getting divorced.
THE FOGG FAMILY
Shortly after Michelle Fogg turned 20, she became active in the LDS church and received her patriarchal blessing. In it, she was blessed she’d have children “who will be special to the Lord” -- verbiage she found odd at the time, as she presumed all children fit that category. She wondered what might lie in store; and indeed, many unique experiences have come as Michelle and her husband, Steven, have expanded their family to include five children currently between the ages of 4 and 17. The Fogg children have a range of severe food allergies, rare medical disorders, mental health diagnoses, and giftedness. Emalee, now 17, was born with an array of medical problems that launched science-minded Michelle on a 10-year journey into the food allergy world.
Michelle started a non-profit and advocated for kids like hers in front of legislatures, created trainings for school nurses, served on national boards, and promoted education and safety for kids with life-threatening allergies on a local level. A decade of advocacy took its toll, and Michelle ultimately felt prompted to step back and center her care efforts in the home. It was soon after this time that her oldest daughter, Emalee, then 15, invited her mom to dinner to tell her, “I like girls, instead of boys.”…Saying these words brought Emalee tremendous relief. While this news rocked Michelle’s world, there was some relief that she was now in a place in which she could pivot to a whole new category of parental love, support, and understanding.
Michelle shared their daughter’s news with Steven, and together, they agreed to make it a top priority to continue to love and support Emalee, while pursuing further education and understanding. This time, however, Steven begged Michelle to not make their family a poster family for LGBTQ advocacy – not because they didn’t support their daughter, but because of the lingering PTSD from allergy-world exhaustion. Almost three years later, crediting the crucial connection and perspective she gained from listening to other people’s stories (mostly via Ostler’s Listen, Learn, and Love podcast), Michelle trusts it is the right time to share the signs and preparation she received along her daughter’s special journey. Because there were plenty.
THE BURTON FAMILY
One night, when Holly Burton was tucking her 6-year-old son Sam into bed, he looked up at her with his imploring blue eyes and said, “Mom, I have a question and you have to tell me the truth. Am I adopted?” Holly responded, “No, honey. I would tell you if you were adopted; why do you ask that?” Her son replied, “I don’t know, I’m just… different.”
It turns out Sam would experience a unique path from many of his peers, in more ways than one. “He was always a very creative, gentle, inquisitive and intelligent child,” says his mom. “He tested to be in a gifted program, but he wanted to stay at his regular school and be with his friends.”
Sam is the second of five children in the Burton Family. Throughout middle and high school, Holly says Sam didn’t identify himself as being gay, but later reasons that the guys he admired back then probably were crushes. He told her, “Our culture never provided me with a healthy framework to even conceive of being gay, so it was easy to dissociate and convince myself it wasn’t so.” Sam had lots of friends who were girls, but no girlfriends. Holly now laughs, “I always just thought he was so pure, he wasn’t going to kiss anyone before his mission.” Indeed, as he prepared to serve, Sam’s stake president told his parents, “I interview a lot of missionaries before they leave and really grill them – I want to tell you that Sam is one of the purest souls I’ve ever spoken with.”
Sam loved serving in one of the New York missions, and his friends and family loved receiving his “wonderfully entertaining letters.” Halfway through his mission, Sam began having what he thought were heart problems. He was put through a series of tests, but came to realize he was experiencing severe anxiety attacks. Sam was coming to the realization that he was gay and the cognitive dissonance that it created caused his body to react. He came out to a LDS services therapist as well as his mission president.
THE KENNEDY FAMILY
This week's Lift+Love At Home story features the Kennedy family: "On paper, everything seemed ideal: top of his class, National Merit Scholar, Eagle Scout, Order of the Arrow member, returned missionary and recipient of a full scholarship to Utah State University. But for years, Jeffrey Kennedy’s parents had suspected something was troubling their son. “He was very closed off growing up; he didn’t want to talk about anything emotional. But as a middle child and someone who was so scholastic, he could get away with it – hiding up in his room to do homework. ‘That’s just the type of student he is,” thought his parents. But neither Pam nor Darin Kennedy was aware of the silent struggle their son was enduring, unable to acknowledge and accept a part of himself that he was battling to keep hidden…
THE BARTH FAMILY
Angie Barth is often asked what it’s like to raise identical twins. “It’s like having a lesson on love every single day,” she says. “The connection between Gavin and Garrett is palpable. When they were toddlers, if I gave one of them a cookie, he would immediately run off and give it to his brother.” At the same time, the two kept parents Angie and Scott on their toes, earning the nicknames “Seek” and “Destroy” because of the crazy capers they would concoct, including the time when, at two-years-old, they redecorated every surface of the kitchen in their new house with a rainbow-colored assortment of Sharpie markers they had accessed by strategically climbing onto each other’s backs.
While the brothers were the best of friends and begged to be in the same class at school, they also were quite independent and pursued different interests. Angie recalls, “Growing up, Garrett loved to talk about his dreams for his future family. For years, he’d share his hopes of having 15 children who he’d drive around in a school bus. He’d rattle off the most ridiculous names for all of these poor kids,” she laughs. “But suddenly, one day, he didn’t want to talk about those plans anymore.”…
THE JACKIE SMITH FAMILY
There are some advantages to not growing up in the LDS faith. For Jackie Smith, joining the church as a college student from a socially liberal family background has always allowed her to approach church culture from a different angle -- one that as an author and mother of seven, she now uses to help herself and others navigate through certain social ideologies, especially when it comes to facing essential parenting pivots and difficult pulpit pronouncements.
As an LDS-outsider (who’s now been baptized in for the past few decades), Jackie observes that, “There appears to be a pride that develops sometimes in the church based on a checklist of our children’s behavior – mission, BYU, marriage, etc. These are things that I don’t think matter as much as we think they do to God. And when we get our self-esteem by our kids checking these boxes, it can become difficult. Because if a kid makes a different choice, it feels like a personal threat.”
THE WELCH FAMILY
“We’ve always been all in,” says Melinda Welch, speaking of her and husband Wayne’s affinity for both their marriage and the LDS church. “And we used to be a check all the boxes type of family. Family prayer, family scripture study, church attendance, church service and missions equals all of our children have solid testimonies and stay in the church and we live happily ever after.” Several decades later, while high school sweethearts Melinda and Wayne are still very much “all in” with their family and the church (Wayne is currently serving as a YSA Bishop in a Bountiful, UT ward), the Welch’s black-and-white thinking has been replaced with a sea of rainbows since two of their five kids have come out as gay.
Now, the large and loving family has grown in both size and support. Oldest son Addison – 35, is married to Bre – 30, and they are the parents of Alfie – 7 and Poppy – 3, with one more on the way. Landon – 33, married Alex – 38, who came with two kids (Andrew – 14 and Sophia – 12) from his previous marriage. Truman is 30. Monson – 28, married Lexi - 26, and they are the parents of Tayla – 5, Lady – 3, and Elsie – 1. And Laila is 19.
The Welch family shows up for each other – whether it be for Melinda, Addison, and Bre’s theatrical performances or for Truman’s drag shows in Salt Lake. Though the Welch’s posterity are varied in their church affiliation and activity, all showed up in rainbow attire for their recent Pride-themed family party in June. Themed monthly gatherings are just one of Melinda’s traditions to keep her family close. This month, their theme is “Anchor,” and they will meet at their cabin, go boating, and discuss their respective anchors in life. “We want our grandkids to get it. We talk about inclusion, compassion, not judging. Love. Love better. Love more. We want our legacy to be that. You have to walk that, too; you can’t just talk that. So many of the things we do at this stage are for our grandkids – they’re the ones who will change the culture of the church, and the world,” says Melinda.
THE NIELSON FAMILY
Hadley Nielson stands out in a crowd – literally. At 6’4, the former UVU basketball star has dominated the court for most of her life; and since early childhood, she has been loved by all who know her in her hometown of Gilbert, AZ. “She’s confident in her own skin, unique, magnetic. She is the funniest person I know,” says Jennifer Nielson when describing Hadley, 23, the second oldest of her and husband Talan’s five kids. (Also pictured is Hayden – 25, his wife Casie, Griffin - 20, Lincoln – 16, Clover – 8, and Hadley’s fiancée, Rachel.)
Indeed, Hadley’s life was unique from the start. She grew tall quickly, and at a young age, was diagnosed with a connective tissue disease called Marfan Syndrome. Hadley also experiences double vision and ongoing back and joint pain. At the time of her diagnosis, Jennifer experienced a “disillusionment as to what you think your child’s life will be like.” Then at the age of five, Hadley was run over by a car, which redirected Jennifer to realize, “I don’t really care what she can or can’t do as long as she’s here with us.” The mother-daughter duo has been extremely close all of Hadley’s life, having spent much time together attending doctors’ appointments. Jennifer laughs that she assumed that the reason high schooler Hadley (who had plenty of friends) preferred staying home with her mom on weekends over pursuing dating or hanging out with “boy-crazy girls” was just “because I was such a cool mom.” Jennifer was always protective of her daughter, and scoffed when a stake leader once told her, “You should really be cautious letting Hadley play basketball, because lots of lesbians play basketball.” Jennifer thought, “My daughter’s a 6’4 high school girl; this has given her purpose and confidence. Why would this woman think she knows what’s better for my daughter than me?”
In her sophomore year of college, Hadley became very sick and struggled keeping food down. This time, their diagnostic journey took them to the Mayo clinic where they were told Hadley had Rumination Syndrome. She was put on feeding tubes for five months. Hadley went from playing ball on scholarship back to living at home with her parents.