THE KENNEDY FAMILY

On paper, everything seemed ideal: top of his class, National Merit Scholar, Eagle Scout, Order of the Arrow member, returned missionary and recipient of a full scholarship to Utah State University. But for years, Jeffrey Kennedy’s parents had suspected something was troubling their son. “He was very closed off growing up; he didn’t want to talk about anything emotional. But as a middle child and someone who was so scholastic, he could get away with it – hiding up in his room to do homework. ‘That’s just the type of student he is,” thought his parents. But neither Pam nor Darin Kennedy was aware of the silent struggle their son was enduring, unable to acknowledge and accept a part of himself that he was battling to keep hidden.

On his mission to Vanuatu in the South Pacific, Jeffrey started having anxiety at a worrisome enough level that he spoke to his parents about it. While his mission president said he’d be fine, Pam sensed something else was going on. She encouraged Jeffrey to be tested for dengue or the West Nile virus. (Pam and Darin later discovered the mission president knew all along that Jeffrey was gay but did not disclose that information to his parents.) Had they known, so much surrounding his decision to serve a mission and his state of mind right afterwards would have made sense. Jeffrey served his two years, but was very emotional, anxious, and raw when he came home. Pam remembers Darin staying up all night long with him that first night in an attempt to comfort him. Several months later, after Jeffrey had left their Boise, ID home for school in Logan, UT, Darin was searching around the house for an SD drive. Figuring their techie son might be the most likely owner, Darin opened Jeffrey’s desk and within found a “To Mom and Dad” letter. Shortly after, Darin left his son’s room in tears and handed Pam the letter. She likewise read how Jeffrey had always tried to be the best son, how he was so sorry to disappoint his parents, but he couldn’t live up to their expectations. “We thought it was a suicide note,” Pam says, “But at the bottom, he finally said, ‘I need to tell you, I’m gay’.”

“It threw us for such a loop,” says Pam. “We didn’t see it coming. But in that moment, my husband did a complete 180.” Darin told her, “I need to be the one to talk to our son. I need to tell him I found his letter, that I love him, and I’m so sorry for everything hurtful I’ve ever said,” referencing the homophobic comments he’d made over the years about gay people and couples they saw on TV and around town. While Darin knew his son didn’t choose his orientation and couldn’t change it, he initially figured that as an RM, perhaps he’d choose to lead a celibate life. In contrast, Pam says she instantly thought, “Screw that, I want him to have a life.” While Pam wanted nothing but happiness for Jeffrey, she still cried for six months. Church was especially hard. She never saw her son’s orientation as a burden, but had a difficult time seeing it as a blessing.

A few months later Pam and Jeffrey attended a third temple session together in which the mother-son duo had been asked to be the witness couple. They both chuckled, thinking “If they only knew…” And then she realized, “The Lord does know.” During that last session together, Pam received a distinct prompting: “Your son’s going to leave the church, and it’s going to be okay.” After the temple, while sitting in the car in a Shopko parking lot, Jeffrey asked his mother, “Do you think it’d be okay if I start dating?”

With his parents’ blessing, Jeffrey began dating. While Boise is generally more liberal and accepting than other nearby towns (when Jeffrey told his younger brother he’s gay, Braedon barely looked up from his video game and said, “Okay, my friends are gay, no big deal”), Pam laments that gay children in conservative religious communities do not yet have acceptable offerings for safe dating. “Kids like my son don’t want the one-night stands, or get drunk and party, or date older men in secret type of scene. Jeffrey just wanted to date normally like everyone else did.” Jeffrey also hadn’t wanted to pursue dating guys with LDS backgrounds, figuring he wouldn’t find it helpful to have two partners in one relationship dealing with the kind of religious trauma he had experienced, but he met a great guy with a Christian background, who Pam says is “perfect for him. We couldn’t have asked for a better son-in-law.” Two years later, in May of this year, they were married in his older brother’s backyard and the entire family was there to support. When Jeffrey was engaged, he teared up talking to Pam about his love for his soon-to-be husband and said he couldn’t imagine spending eternity with anyone other than Cory. Pam reasons, “That says it right there. That’s all I needed to know.”

Pam’s kids have nicknamed her the “Gay Warrior.” She is a visible ally at the Boise-based high school where she works, wearing her rainbow gear every day to let the students know she’s a safe space. Her son Jeffrey is more subdued about his personal life. He and Cory live a simple, happy life, and enjoy cooking together, Star Wars,musical theatre (Cory knows every word to Hamilton), and trips in the camper they bought together, complete with twinkly lights, their dog, James, and two cats, Rhubarb and Whiskey. Like the rest of the Kennedy family, they are huge Disney fans, and they recently honeymooned at Disneyworld. Cory and Jeff both work and support each other as Jeffrey pursues his masters degree in Environmental Engineering. Cory will then complete his education. It means a lot to Pam that Cory took Jeffrey’s last name, and she’s excited that the two plan to adopt children down the road. “My son’s a good person. He’s done everything he could do within the church – he graduated from seminary, served a mission, worked in the temple; what more did he have to do?” Pam says, “The biggest thing I’ve learned on this journey is that God is bigger than the church portrays and our earth-bound perceptions. We say God’s love is infinite and eternal, but we also talk a lot about earthly requirements that we must follow. While these requirements are great and can be a strength for most families, they can be painful for members who don’t fit the mold. If we believe that God is in charge and understands our eternal situation, then we can put our trust in Him to sort out these complicated situations. All I know is that God loves my son even more than I do and created him exactly how he is. We have to expand our belief in what God is capable of doing and take away the fear in our teaching.” While Pam and Darin have raised all their kids in the church and know the Plan of Salvation well, Pam has never felt the fear of having family excluded from Heaven. “I have too many wonderful friends and family outside the church to believe that there isn’t a wonderful place for them.”

Pam and Darin try to visibly be a safe place for those who may need them to be. Pam says, “I wish the church would use us as a resource more often. When people are in crisis, they should send in someone who understands. My husband and I have been there, we know what these families are going through. It can really shake your faith.“ Although Pam and Darin have strong testimonies of Jesus Christ and the Atonement, there are times when church is difficult. Pam and Darin no longer feel compelled to force their youngest son, now 16, to attend seminary. They don’t want him to have to listen to any non-affirming lessons on marriage. Yet each week, Pam, Darin, and Braedon attend church to partake of the sacrament and hopefully receive just one tender mercy -- one golden message of Christlike goodness. They are never disappointed. They have seen Christlike blessings in the details of their lives, including unconditional support from family members.

During Covid, they have spent more time as a family and have had plenty of opportunity to bond. Through the experiences of these past few years, Pam and Darin have grown closer together and Pam has finally come to see that having a gay child truly is a blessing. “When what you thought you knew is stripped away, you are left with nothing but Christ and the Atonement to fall back on.” While their relationship with the church is strained, Pam and Darin feel that they are in a good place and that God will work it all out. They feel very blessed to have had the opportunity to raise one of God’s gay children.

THE JACKIE SMITH FAMILY

There are some advantages to not growing up in the LDS faith. For Jackie Smith, joining the church as a college student from a socially liberal family background has always allowed her to approach church culture from a different angle -- one that as an author and mother of seven, she now uses to help herself and others navigate through certain social ideologies, especially when it comes to facing essential parenting pivots and difficult pulpit pronouncements. As an LDS-outsider (who’s now been baptized in for the past few decades), Jackie observes that, “There appears to be a pride that develops sometimes in the church based on a checklist of our children’s behavior – mission, BYU, marriage, etc. These are things that I don’t think matter as much as we think they do to God. And when we get our self-esteem by our kids checking these boxes, it can become difficult. Because if a kid makes a different choice, it feels like a personal threat.”

Through her books, Jackie hopes to help people step back and see a different approach – whether they have a gay kid or not. Her children’s series, Open Minds, Open Hearts, (available on Amazon) aims to help parents raise children with the emotional strength to confidently choose to be Christlike. It was always important to Jackie that her own children not judge others who, say, drink coffee or smoke, but rather that they recognize that all humans hold and offer light and truth. Jackie’s memoir, Pass It On: A Perspective Offering Insight to All Faiths About Raising a Gay Child in a Religious Home, (also on Amazon), chronicles her journey when her youngest child Spencer, who now goes by Dudley, came out during his junior year of high school. From a young age, Jackie suspected something was different about Dudley. While he says he didn’t know he was gay until the 7th grade, Jackie said she had impressions much earlier that caused her to watch her words and create a safe space for him. “I was always a little overprotective, I think.”

And then, she remembers the doozy of Prop 8. At the time, her husband Kent was a bishop, and she recalls both of them supporting the admonition to “follow the prophet” with the political issue, but behind their bedroom door, Kent comforted her as she mourned, saying, “I can’t do this.” Jackie remembers standing on a street corner behind a sea of Yes on 8 signs, which she refused to pick up herself, but she still feels sick that a young man from her daughter’s high school, carrying a “No H8” sign, approached and saw her standing there. It felt like a punch to the gut. She went into the bushes and cried.

For Jackie, the hardest part about Dudley coming out, even all these years later, is that he initially believed his parents would never speak to him again once he did. This heart-breaking confession has since propelled Jackie to write, to speak up, to speak out and let others know how we can preventatively do better. “I’m trying to scrape off all that Mormon guck – all the judgment – and remind people how our job is to just teach our kids about Christ.” The Smith family is large, diverse, and very close. All of Kent and Jackie’s children are now married, and the line-up pictured above includes Jessica and Steve Hennings, Andrew and Karisa Smith, Matt and Lizzie Smith, Makenna and Mike Myler, CJ and Spencer Taylor, Sam and Megan Smith, Dudley and Trevor Brown, and grandchildren Moses, Ray, Ocean, Ezra, Smith, Stevie, Etta, Lou, Hal, and a baby girl on the way.

At Christmas time during his junior year of high school, after Dudley first revealed he’s gay to Jackie, he gave each of his siblings a similarly wrapped package. As they each opened up a rainbow-colored pin and put it on, Jackie smiles at the memory of the instant sibling huddle of loving support.

After her son came out, Jackie says her priority was that Dudley still felt like a beloved child of God, even though he felt a need to pull away completely from church teachings. As he was the only child still at home, Jackie and Kent adapted. At the time, they thought it was best for Dudley to still attend church and finish seminary, but Family Home Evening turned into a weekly 30-second inspirational quote (that sometimes led to hours of discussion). They tried to work around his feelings, rather than plow through them.

After high school, Jackie says Dudley experienced some wild days and nights as a student at Santa Monica College studying film. She believes this was due to Dudley’s lack of self-love due to the experiences he faced that sprouted from church teachings that need to change. One day, he came home to his parents and bawled on their bed at the spiral his life had taken. Together, they discussed self care and a path that would help Dudley overcome the damage to his emotional health. This bumpy journey would lead to a really good life and partner who would support and love him. Dudley decided to transfer to UVU, where he could study geology and be closer to his siblings, with whom he remained close. He met Trevor, a BYU graduate, and together, they lifted and loved one another on their mutually healing journey. The family laughs that it was Dudley and Trevor’s relationship that advanced the quickest of all their long-haul dater siblings, and the two were married in a beautiful ceremony just two years later.

The entire Smith family remains close, and true to form, last week, they met in clusters (in California and Utah) after Elder Holland’s infamous delivery at that BYU podium so that they could process together. Jackie shared that she spoke to a faculty member at BYU who sat through the talk and described it as a bit of whiplash after listening to BYU President Worthen’s prior talk the same day on the importance of inclusion. Jackie feels that every talk opens up room for more thought and discussion. To her, this wasn’t a step backwards, but a catalyst for changing mindsets, building progress, and ultimately leading to light and truth. Jackie believes we should be proud of the students and faculty who are striving to be like Christ. “The church has created a university of earth-shattering people who seek God’s will, love God’s children, and care about their future. Let’s be grateful for their voices and their vision. I, too, believe BYU should continue to be unique, but there is a difference between uniqueness and isolation. If you isolate, you won’t be unique because no one will notice you. When you’re unique, you stand out. When you isolate, you are forgotten.”

Regarding the reception of such an address in the LGBTQ+ community, Jackie offers a broader perspective on grace: “We cannot raise our kids to worship our prophets and apostles. There is a fine line between worshipping and revering – they are imperfect men; they know it, and they want us to know it. They ask God for revelation, too. I can completely disagree with someone but know they’re still a child of God trying to do their best. I love Elder Holland – he has inspired me throughout my life. I’m not thinking he’s a horrible person because of one mistake. For all I know, he may have cried himself to sleep that night. Or he may have thought all that needed to be said. I don’t know. Let us not forget he is a child of God, too. He’s reading his scriptures, praying, uncovering light and truth, too, just like me. He’s on a journey; I’m on a journey – and our journeys need to collide so we can learn from each other. And when we both face God, He will let each of us know what he wanted each of us to learn from this experience.”

Jackie believes the general authorities when they say they’ve been on their knees praying about people like her son and her family. As for what she’d say directly, if given audience: “I’d invite them to come meet our kids, come meet my son, and admit to themselves these are children of God and they have a place in God’s kingdom and heart. We know that. We are looking forward to seeing how they fit into God’s plan. Everyone needs to continue to seek the answers; please, please don’t close any doors.” #liftandloveathome