THE BARTH FAMILY

Angie Barth is often asked what it’s like to raise identical twins. “It’s like having a lesson on love every single day,” she says. “The connection between Gavin and Garrett is palpable. When they were toddlers, if I gave one of them a cookie, he would immediately run off and give it to his brother.” At the same time, the two kept parents Angie and Scott on their toes, earning the nicknames “Seek” and “Destroy” because of the crazy capers they would concoct, including the time when, at two years old, they redecorated every surface of the kitchen in their new house with a rainbow-colored assortment of Sharpie markers they had accessed by strategically climbing onto each other’s backs. 

While the brothers were the best of friends and begged to be in the same class at school, they also were quite independent and pursued different interests. Angie recalls, “Growing up, Garrett loved to talk about his dreams for his future family. For years, he’d share his hopes of having 15 children who he’d drive around in a school bus. He’d rattle off the most ridiculous names for all of these poor kids,” she laughs. “But suddenly, one day, he didn’t want to talk about those plans anymore.”     

Around 14 years old, Gavin and Garrett started to grow apart. As he became increasingly withdrawn, a lot of Garrett’s anger was directed toward his brother. This wasn’t true to the typically kind, content character of the Garrett Angie had watched grow up, but she was at a loss for what to do, as he wouldn’t let anyone in. 

Finally, one night, Garrett confirmed to his mother that he is gay. She had experienced impressions since he was three years old that this might be the case, so it wasn’t too shocking. Yet, she still felt heartbroken that night in his room, looking over at the two pictures of LDS temples Garrett had always displayed on his desk. In that moment, she realized that realistically, a temple marriage would not likely be a part of his future. When Angie asked why he had withheld telling them sooner, Garrett confessed it was because his dad, Scott, was enduring a stressful job hunt, and Garrett didn’t want to add to the family’s burdens.

Angie says, “After Garrett came out, we learned that he had really come to resent Gavin because he knew that Gavin would be able to have all of the things that Garrett had always hoped and dreamed for himself—a happy marriage with someone to build and share a life with, complete with children, home, family—but he had come to the realization that he would never have these things, simply because he was born gay and his brother was not.” 

Garrett has had to distance himself from the church to continue to heal from religious trauma. It’s pained Angie to see how hard he’s had to work to untangle his relationship with God and Jesus Christ from the church teachings that have caused him trauma as he has sought to maintain his mental health. 

Like many parents in her situation, Angie now also questions her own place in the church. She says, “As parents we know, or very quickly come to know through personal revelation, that our child was intentionally, purposefully created this way. We know of their absolute goodness and of their divine nature. However, church teachings have mischaracterized gay people for decades, so it’s difficult to reconcile all of that with what we know to be true about our own child. With identical twins, the differences between how they are treated and the blessings that are or are not available to them in the church feel especially poignant and so completely arbitrary now. Both boys are equally righteous and worthy young men, but because one of them happened to be born gay, the church doesn’t make the blessings and ordinances of salvation available to him in a way that’s sustainable and congruent with the way that God created him. It feels every bit as arbitrary as having these blessings withheld from your child just because God created them left-handed. These days, there are many days I question where, how, and if I have a place in the church. Where is the space for the eternal family that my husband and I have created and have been working so hard for? But I’m trusting that God loves me and loves my family, so I’m just taking it one day, one step, at a time.” 

Crediting books like Evan Smith’s “Gay LDS Crossroads: A Scripture-Based Path Forward,” Angie knows that Garrett’s orientation was not a mistake, nor a choice. Rather, “he is loved and whole in God’s sight, and it is my job to simply love and support my son on his life’s path.” She has felt the impression from above, “Angie, you need to trust me. I’ve got you. I am with your family, and I have always been with you. You need to tell Garrett that you will support whatever path he chooses.” Once she did that, Angie says Garrett began tearing down his protective walls and rebuilding the relationship with his twin brother. At that point, Garrett told his mom that, “For the first time in such a long time, I feel hope again. I forgot what it feels like to have hope and to look forward to my future.” 

This, after a soul-crushing post Garrett had written when he publicly came out. In it, he says, “I prayed to God, every night, wishing I would wake up as something else. Everywhere I searched, answers taught me that God would ‘make it up to me in the end,’ or that I was damaged and would eventually be fixed. Online searches led me to harmful quotes by real-life prophets and apostles, which I’ve decided not to include.

I’ve spent a lifetime convincing myself I’m attracted to women. I’ve spent a lifetime blowing out my own birthday candles wishing I was straight. I’ve come close to booking myself into a conversion therapy. I’ve spent a lifetime being told I was not eligible to receive the same blessings as my twin brother because of something I never chose. I’ve spent a lifetime in a religion that is fundamentally incompatible with my hopes and dreams for the future, which I believe to be good and right.

I am not a ‘bitter fruit.’

I am worthy. I am beloved. I am beautiful. All members of the LGBTQIA+ community are worthy, beloved, and beautiful, and all members of all marginalized communities deserve to be respected, cherished, and unconditionally loved by ALL of us. It may have taken 19 years to believe it, but I’m proud to be gay. I’m proud of all my family members and friends that have helped me come this far. And most importantly, I’m proud of all those still in the closet / dealing with religious trauma. You are so strong, and I am SO proud of you. Better days are coming.”

After taking a gap year to work and save money for college, Garrett has now begun studying English teaching at the University of Utah. A talented creative writer, he is also working on a fantasy book series. His brother Gavin recently started home MTC training for his dream call: the Czech/Slovak mission (which happens to be the place from where Angie’s family originates). Angie loves that both her boys have supported each other’s unique paths in meaningful ways. Recently, Garrett happily performed Gavin’s favorite piano hymn medley at Gavin’s farewell; and both brothers remain close with their sister, Cassia.

What Angie wishes most now is for “leadership to understand that our LGBTQ children and peers are not some obscure, outside threat bent on destroying the gospel of Jesus Christ, the church, and the traditional family. These are children born in the covenant, who grew up loving the gospel, believing it, and embracing it with all their hearts. These are some of our Heavenly Parents’ choicest spirits with amazing spiritual gifts to offer in the service of Jesus Christ. It is such a shame seeing how the church doesn’t really provide a safe environment or framework in which these amazing children of God can thrive. We need them! If we endeavor to amputate them from the Body of Christ by providing no real sustainable place for them to thrive and worship among us, we all lose.” 

Angie would also love to see church communities work to remove the stigma often connected to people (like her son) who need to step away in order to maintain their mental health. “It’s difficult for those of us who naturally fit the church’s mold so perfectly to comprehend the intense turmoil and anguish experienced in the church by those who are born in a way that can’t fit that mold. I would love if we could embrace them instead and extend nothing but kindness, understanding, and love, trusting that God still is very much directing their personal paths as each seeks the healing and wholeness they need to thrive.”

Throughout her journey, Angie feels she’s been blessed to sit with parents of these precious kids and celebrate them together, as they grapple with pain over these issues and questions that don’t really have any answers. She says, “What sacred ground this has been. Because I have a gay son, I have been able to learn more about what it truly means to love as Jesus loves than I likely ever could have in an entire lifetime otherwise. Given the choice, I would change nothing.”

The Campbell Family

“I want Shelby to live a life that she loves.  I want her to have a relationship with God and feel His love every day. I want her to find a life partner, have a fulfilling career, and just be happy.” These wishes for a child could be echoed by just about any mother in the world. Only for Becky Campbell, she would also love “for the Church to find a better way to include families like mine, whatever that looks like.”

For Becky, a “family like mine” includes husband of 21 years, Dave, who works in information technology for the Associated Press, and children Shelby (19), Tessa (10), Christian (10), and Lilly (9). They live in Herriman, Utah, where Becky works as a medical transcriptionist, freelance photographer, and also stays quite busy taking care of everyone. One thing that sets the Campbell family apart from many in the church is something that Becky says has only brought them closer together: their love and support of transgender daughter, Shelby. “I know that each of our kids has been sent to our family so we could learn from each other. Having a transgender child has been a life-changing learning experience in the best way. Even though we have lots of differences within our family, we are in this together. Family means nobody gets left behind.” 

Shelby currently studies Music Production at SLCC. She plays the piano and guitar and records her own music. “Shelby is incredibly empathetic. She feels her emotions deeply and expresses herself beautifully through music,” says her mother. Shelby also values honesty and authenticity, and inspires those qualities in others. Becky says Shelby’s younger siblings “adore her -- they have a special relationship. And she keeps us laughing constantly.” 

Shortly before her 17th birthday, Shelby came out to her parents. She started medical and social (mtf) transition in spring of 2020, before coming out to her extended family and the world in September of 2020.

Becky now belongs to our “amazing” online support group for LDS parents of LGBTQ kids, and she values the advice of friends in similar situations who have helped her acknowledge that Shelby is the same person her family has always known her to be. “I think the best advice is to ask Heavenly Father how best to help and love your child.”

When it comes to the church, Becky says she would love for leadership to acknowledge that LGBTQ people and their families are “part of the church and that we matter. I want them to see us. I would love for policies regarding LGBTQ people to be more inclusive. I'd love to hear stories and talks where we acknowledge our LGBTQ loved ones.” For everyone else, she offers this advice: “If someone you love comes out as LGBTQ, please let them know you accept them and care about them regardless of what their church activity looks like.  Be interested in their lives and accomplishments, especially when it doesn't look like the typical LDS ‘covenant path’ timeline.”

Through loving Shelby unconditionally, Becky says, “I've felt a tiny slice of the love that I know Jesus feels for each of us. I don't love my children because of anything that they accomplish or what I think they could be in the future. I love them exactly as they are, today. I think this kind of love is the Savior's greatest gift to us.”

*** Much thanks to the Campbell family for sharing their story. We’d love to feature your (LGBTQ) family in our weekly Lift & Love at Home profiles! Please dm us. #liftandloveathome #liftandloveorg

The Winget Family

“You only need to do two things: love your family and trust me.” These were the divine words whispered into Robyn Winget’s heart when praying for guidance shortly after her then 27-year-old son Taylor came out two years ago. Luckily, Robyn knew it would be easy to do just that.

Now an empty nester living with her husband Jim in Eagle, Idaho, Robyn relished being a full-time mother of three and now loves it even more when they come home: Taylor and his husband Dallon, daughter Kaitlyn and her husband Tyler, and their son Parker who is engaged to be married in June. Robyn is looking forward to having three successful weddings under her belt, and for her equally supportive party-planning mother: three successful engagement parties for her grandchildren. Jim and Robyn appreciate how their extended family love and support all of their children. Everyone came to Taylor and Dallon’s wedding, and no one has ever said, “I love you but—” 

Taylor was already (quietly) dating his would-be husband, Dallon, at the time he confidently came out and told his parents he is gay, just a week after General Conference 2018. While Robyn and Jim were sorrowful over the pain he had lived with alone for years, Taylor’s coming out was a positive “we are going to be fine” experience for their entire family. For two years prior, Robyn had felt stirrings inside, a quiet preparatory voice that asked, “What would you do if one of your kids came out?” But Robyn already knew that child would be met with nothing but love. 

Taylor and Dallon are a Tinder success story and highly compatible – both returned missionaries raised in active, supportive LDS families. The couple now lives in South Jordan, UT where Taylor, a BYU graduate, works as a marketing project manager at BioFire and part-time as a realtor, which is Dallon’s full-time occupation. The two love to travel, work out, and bring the fun to family gatherings. Robyn says Taylor is “wickedly funny” with an apt quote from The Office for every occasion. 

Growing up, Taylor was a happy kid who played lacrosse and had a lot of friends... (cont'd in comments) 

Robyn says, “He was very obedient and my most temple-attending child. He thought if he did everything right, the Lord would ‘fix him’.” It was in the temple during his 20s that Taylor said he received a comforting personal revelation of his own, after asking his Heavenly Father if it would be okay for him to live his life as an openly gay man. The impressions he received were, “Man is not meant to be alone,” and “Men are that they might have joy.” 

While Taylor and Dallon claim they love the church and do not harbor bitter feelings, they “recognize this is probably not going to be a path for us” as living in a legal union precludes a gay couple from partaking of the sacrament. Robyn appreciates that the young bishop who lives in their neighborhood shows them genuine love and regularly invites them to church meetings and activities (they occasionally attend), by saying: “We want you with us. We are stronger with you.” 

When Taylor first came out, the first words from Robyn’s bishop’s mouth were, “I can’t imagine the amount of pain he has been in for the past years.” That response, and the fact that he and his wife came to Taylor’s wedding, has always stuck with Robyn as true discipleship. Her bishop also teaches, “We need to make the uncomfortable comfortable.” Robyn agrees, reasoning that if you are uncomfortable with another’s path, you need to get to know them better and make that your role. She is “grateful these remarkable leaders have lived their baptismal covenant: ‘to bear one another’s burdens’ which literally means to support us. To say, ‘I love you, but I can’t support you’ is not bearing one another’s burdens.” 

Robyn also appreciates it when members ask about her gay son’s marriage and life just like they inquire about her straight children. But when the occasional offensive comment or question comes her way, Robyn recognizes, “I can’t get angry with people for not knowing what they do not yet know.”  

The Winget family relies on the teachings of their prophet, President Nelson, who emphasizes the power and necessity of personal revelation. 

They are grateful for their experience to lift and love Taylor (who lifts and loves them right back), because they say they’ve learned great lessons they wouldn’t have otherwise. Robyn has met new friends on church pews who have confided their own struggles, feeling comfortable because her family also doesn’t “fit the mold.” 

Robyn is a temple worker, where she has felt the divine, godly love of a perfect Heavenly Father who, in a sacred experience, has conveyed He loves her and her entire family more than mortals can comprehend. That is her focus for the eternities. And for the now, she says she could not be more pleased with all Taylor has accomplished – he’s happy, in a committed marriage with a partner he loves, and he loves his family. Robyn takes great comfort in her eternal perspective: “I can’t imagine heaven without my family, and I know in my heart that won’t be the case.”

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If you’re willing to share your family’s story in a Lift and Love at Home profile, please dm us! #liftandlove #liftandloveathome