THE KENNEDY FAMILY

On paper, everything seemed ideal: top of his class, National Merit Scholar, Eagle Scout, Order of the Arrow member, returned missionary and recipient of a full scholarship to Utah State University. But for years, Jeffrey Kennedy’s parents had suspected something was troubling their son. “He was very closed off growing up; he didn’t want to talk about anything emotional. But as a middle child and someone who was so scholastic, he could get away with it – hiding up in his room to do homework. ‘That’s just the type of student he is,” thought his parents. But neither Pam nor Darin Kennedy was aware of the silent struggle their son was enduring, unable to acknowledge and accept a part of himself that he was battling to keep hidden.

On his mission to Vanuatu in the South Pacific, Jeffrey started having anxiety at a worrisome enough level that he spoke to his parents about it. While his mission president said he’d be fine, Pam sensed something else was going on. She encouraged Jeffrey to be tested for dengue or the West Nile virus. (Pam and Darin later discovered the mission president knew all along that Jeffrey was gay but did not disclose that information to his parents.) Had they known, so much surrounding his decision to serve a mission and his state of mind right afterwards would have made sense. Jeffrey served his two years, but was very emotional, anxious, and raw when he came home. Pam remembers Darin staying up all night long with him that first night in an attempt to comfort him. Several months later, after Jeffrey had left their Boise, ID home for school in Logan, UT, Darin was searching around the house for an SD drive. Figuring their techie son might be the most likely owner, Darin opened Jeffrey’s desk and within found a “To Mom and Dad” letter. Shortly after, Darin left his son’s room in tears and handed Pam the letter. She likewise read how Jeffrey had always tried to be the best son, how he was so sorry to disappoint his parents, but he couldn’t live up to their expectations. “We thought it was a suicide note,” Pam says, “But at the bottom, he finally said, ‘I need to tell you, I’m gay’.”

“It threw us for such a loop,” says Pam. “We didn’t see it coming. But in that moment, my husband did a complete 180.” Darin told her, “I need to be the one to talk to our son. I need to tell him I found his letter, that I love him, and I’m so sorry for everything hurtful I’ve ever said,” referencing the homophobic comments he’d made over the years about gay people and couples they saw on TV and around town. While Darin knew his son didn’t choose his orientation and couldn’t change it, he initially figured that as an RM, perhaps he’d choose to lead a celibate life. In contrast, Pam says she instantly thought, “Screw that, I want him to have a life.” While Pam wanted nothing but happiness for Jeffrey, she still cried for six months. Church was especially hard. She never saw her son’s orientation as a burden, but had a difficult time seeing it as a blessing.

A few months later Pam and Jeffrey attended a third temple session together in which the mother-son duo had been asked to be the witness couple. They both chuckled, thinking “If they only knew…” And then she realized, “The Lord does know.” During that last session together, Pam received a distinct prompting: “Your son’s going to leave the church, and it’s going to be okay.” After the temple, while sitting in the car in a Shopko parking lot, Jeffrey asked his mother, “Do you think it’d be okay if I start dating?”

With his parents’ blessing, Jeffrey began dating. While Boise is generally more liberal and accepting than other nearby towns (when Jeffrey told his younger brother he’s gay, Braedon barely looked up from his video game and said, “Okay, my friends are gay, no big deal”), Pam laments that gay children in conservative religious communities do not yet have acceptable offerings for safe dating. “Kids like my son don’t want the one-night stands, or get drunk and party, or date older men in secret type of scene. Jeffrey just wanted to date normally like everyone else did.” Jeffrey also hadn’t wanted to pursue dating guys with LDS backgrounds, figuring he wouldn’t find it helpful to have two partners in one relationship dealing with the kind of religious trauma he had experienced, but he met a great guy with a Christian background, who Pam says is “perfect for him. We couldn’t have asked for a better son-in-law.” Two years later, in May of this year, they were married in his older brother’s backyard and the entire family was there to support. When Jeffrey was engaged, he teared up talking to Pam about his love for his soon-to-be husband and said he couldn’t imagine spending eternity with anyone other than Cory. Pam reasons, “That says it right there. That’s all I needed to know.”

Pam’s kids have nicknamed her the “Gay Warrior.” She is a visible ally at the Boise-based high school where she works, wearing her rainbow gear every day to let the students know she’s a safe space. Her son Jeffrey is more subdued about his personal life. He and Cory live a simple, happy life, and enjoy cooking together, Star Wars,musical theatre (Cory knows every word to Hamilton), and trips in the camper they bought together, complete with twinkly lights, their dog, James, and two cats, Rhubarb and Whiskey. Like the rest of the Kennedy family, they are huge Disney fans, and they recently honeymooned at Disneyworld. Cory and Jeff both work and support each other as Jeffrey pursues his masters degree in Environmental Engineering. Cory will then complete his education. It means a lot to Pam that Cory took Jeffrey’s last name, and she’s excited that the two plan to adopt children down the road. “My son’s a good person. He’s done everything he could do within the church – he graduated from seminary, served a mission, worked in the temple; what more did he have to do?” Pam says, “The biggest thing I’ve learned on this journey is that God is bigger than the church portrays and our earth-bound perceptions. We say God’s love is infinite and eternal, but we also talk a lot about earthly requirements that we must follow. While these requirements are great and can be a strength for most families, they can be painful for members who don’t fit the mold. If we believe that God is in charge and understands our eternal situation, then we can put our trust in Him to sort out these complicated situations. All I know is that God loves my son even more than I do and created him exactly how he is. We have to expand our belief in what God is capable of doing and take away the fear in our teaching.” While Pam and Darin have raised all their kids in the church and know the Plan of Salvation well, Pam has never felt the fear of having family excluded from Heaven. “I have too many wonderful friends and family outside the church to believe that there isn’t a wonderful place for them.”

Pam and Darin try to visibly be a safe place for those who may need them to be. Pam says, “I wish the church would use us as a resource more often. When people are in crisis, they should send in someone who understands. My husband and I have been there, we know what these families are going through. It can really shake your faith.“ Although Pam and Darin have strong testimonies of Jesus Christ and the Atonement, there are times when church is difficult. Pam and Darin no longer feel compelled to force their youngest son, now 16, to attend seminary. They don’t want him to have to listen to any non-affirming lessons on marriage. Yet each week, Pam, Darin, and Braedon attend church to partake of the sacrament and hopefully receive just one tender mercy -- one golden message of Christlike goodness. They are never disappointed. They have seen Christlike blessings in the details of their lives, including unconditional support from family members.

During Covid, they have spent more time as a family and have had plenty of opportunity to bond. Through the experiences of these past few years, Pam and Darin have grown closer together and Pam has finally come to see that having a gay child truly is a blessing. “When what you thought you knew is stripped away, you are left with nothing but Christ and the Atonement to fall back on.” While their relationship with the church is strained, Pam and Darin feel that they are in a good place and that God will work it all out. They feel very blessed to have had the opportunity to raise one of God’s gay children.

THE BARTH FAMILY

Angie Barth is often asked what it’s like to raise identical twins. “It’s like having a lesson on love every single day,” she says. “The connection between Gavin and Garrett is palpable. When they were toddlers, if I gave one of them a cookie, he would immediately run off and give it to his brother.” At the same time, the two kept parents Angie and Scott on their toes, earning the nicknames “Seek” and “Destroy” because of the crazy capers they would concoct, including the time when, at two years old, they redecorated every surface of the kitchen in their new house with a rainbow-colored assortment of Sharpie markers they had accessed by strategically climbing onto each other’s backs. 

While the brothers were the best of friends and begged to be in the same class at school, they also were quite independent and pursued different interests. Angie recalls, “Growing up, Garrett loved to talk about his dreams for his future family. For years, he’d share his hopes of having 15 children who he’d drive around in a school bus. He’d rattle off the most ridiculous names for all of these poor kids,” she laughs. “But suddenly, one day, he didn’t want to talk about those plans anymore.”     

Around 14 years old, Gavin and Garrett started to grow apart. As he became increasingly withdrawn, a lot of Garrett’s anger was directed toward his brother. This wasn’t true to the typically kind, content character of the Garrett Angie had watched grow up, but she was at a loss for what to do, as he wouldn’t let anyone in. 

Finally, one night, Garrett confirmed to his mother that he is gay. She had experienced impressions since he was three years old that this might be the case, so it wasn’t too shocking. Yet, she still felt heartbroken that night in his room, looking over at the two pictures of LDS temples Garrett had always displayed on his desk. In that moment, she realized that realistically, a temple marriage would not likely be a part of his future. When Angie asked why he had withheld telling them sooner, Garrett confessed it was because his dad, Scott, was enduring a stressful job hunt, and Garrett didn’t want to add to the family’s burdens.

Angie says, “After Garrett came out, we learned that he had really come to resent Gavin because he knew that Gavin would be able to have all of the things that Garrett had always hoped and dreamed for himself—a happy marriage with someone to build and share a life with, complete with children, home, family—but he had come to the realization that he would never have these things, simply because he was born gay and his brother was not.” 

Garrett has had to distance himself from the church to continue to heal from religious trauma. It’s pained Angie to see how hard he’s had to work to untangle his relationship with God and Jesus Christ from the church teachings that have caused him trauma as he has sought to maintain his mental health. 

Like many parents in her situation, Angie now also questions her own place in the church. She says, “As parents we know, or very quickly come to know through personal revelation, that our child was intentionally, purposefully created this way. We know of their absolute goodness and of their divine nature. However, church teachings have mischaracterized gay people for decades, so it’s difficult to reconcile all of that with what we know to be true about our own child. With identical twins, the differences between how they are treated and the blessings that are or are not available to them in the church feel especially poignant and so completely arbitrary now. Both boys are equally righteous and worthy young men, but because one of them happened to be born gay, the church doesn’t make the blessings and ordinances of salvation available to him in a way that’s sustainable and congruent with the way that God created him. It feels every bit as arbitrary as having these blessings withheld from your child just because God created them left-handed. These days, there are many days I question where, how, and if I have a place in the church. Where is the space for the eternal family that my husband and I have created and have been working so hard for? But I’m trusting that God loves me and loves my family, so I’m just taking it one day, one step, at a time.” 

Crediting books like Evan Smith’s “Gay LDS Crossroads: A Scripture-Based Path Forward,” Angie knows that Garrett’s orientation was not a mistake, nor a choice. Rather, “he is loved and whole in God’s sight, and it is my job to simply love and support my son on his life’s path.” She has felt the impression from above, “Angie, you need to trust me. I’ve got you. I am with your family, and I have always been with you. You need to tell Garrett that you will support whatever path he chooses.” Once she did that, Angie says Garrett began tearing down his protective walls and rebuilding the relationship with his twin brother. At that point, Garrett told his mom that, “For the first time in such a long time, I feel hope again. I forgot what it feels like to have hope and to look forward to my future.” 

This, after a soul-crushing post Garrett had written when he publicly came out. In it, he says, “I prayed to God, every night, wishing I would wake up as something else. Everywhere I searched, answers taught me that God would ‘make it up to me in the end,’ or that I was damaged and would eventually be fixed. Online searches led me to harmful quotes by real-life prophets and apostles, which I’ve decided not to include.

I’ve spent a lifetime convincing myself I’m attracted to women. I’ve spent a lifetime blowing out my own birthday candles wishing I was straight. I’ve come close to booking myself into a conversion therapy. I’ve spent a lifetime being told I was not eligible to receive the same blessings as my twin brother because of something I never chose. I’ve spent a lifetime in a religion that is fundamentally incompatible with my hopes and dreams for the future, which I believe to be good and right.

I am not a ‘bitter fruit.’

I am worthy. I am beloved. I am beautiful. All members of the LGBTQIA+ community are worthy, beloved, and beautiful, and all members of all marginalized communities deserve to be respected, cherished, and unconditionally loved by ALL of us. It may have taken 19 years to believe it, but I’m proud to be gay. I’m proud of all my family members and friends that have helped me come this far. And most importantly, I’m proud of all those still in the closet / dealing with religious trauma. You are so strong, and I am SO proud of you. Better days are coming.”

After taking a gap year to work and save money for college, Garrett has now begun studying English teaching at the University of Utah. A talented creative writer, he is also working on a fantasy book series. His brother Gavin recently started home MTC training for his dream call: the Czech/Slovak mission (which happens to be the place from where Angie’s family originates). Angie loves that both her boys have supported each other’s unique paths in meaningful ways. Recently, Garrett happily performed Gavin’s favorite piano hymn medley at Gavin’s farewell; and both brothers remain close with their sister, Cassia.

What Angie wishes most now is for “leadership to understand that our LGBTQ children and peers are not some obscure, outside threat bent on destroying the gospel of Jesus Christ, the church, and the traditional family. These are children born in the covenant, who grew up loving the gospel, believing it, and embracing it with all their hearts. These are some of our Heavenly Parents’ choicest spirits with amazing spiritual gifts to offer in the service of Jesus Christ. It is such a shame seeing how the church doesn’t really provide a safe environment or framework in which these amazing children of God can thrive. We need them! If we endeavor to amputate them from the Body of Christ by providing no real sustainable place for them to thrive and worship among us, we all lose.” 

Angie would also love to see church communities work to remove the stigma often connected to people (like her son) who need to step away in order to maintain their mental health. “It’s difficult for those of us who naturally fit the church’s mold so perfectly to comprehend the intense turmoil and anguish experienced in the church by those who are born in a way that can’t fit that mold. I would love if we could embrace them instead and extend nothing but kindness, understanding, and love, trusting that God still is very much directing their personal paths as each seeks the healing and wholeness they need to thrive.”

Throughout her journey, Angie feels she’s been blessed to sit with parents of these precious kids and celebrate them together, as they grapple with pain over these issues and questions that don’t really have any answers. She says, “What sacred ground this has been. Because I have a gay son, I have been able to learn more about what it truly means to love as Jesus loves than I likely ever could have in an entire lifetime otherwise. Given the choice, I would change nothing.”

The Campbell Family

“I want Shelby to live a life that she loves.  I want her to have a relationship with God and feel His love every day. I want her to find a life partner, have a fulfilling career, and just be happy.” These wishes for a child could be echoed by just about any mother in the world. Only for Becky Campbell, she would also love “for the Church to find a better way to include families like mine, whatever that looks like.”

For Becky, a “family like mine” includes husband of 21 years, Dave, who works in information technology for the Associated Press, and children Shelby (19), Tessa (10), Christian (10), and Lilly (9). They live in Herriman, Utah, where Becky works as a medical transcriptionist, freelance photographer, and also stays quite busy taking care of everyone. One thing that sets the Campbell family apart from many in the church is something that Becky says has only brought them closer together: their love and support of transgender daughter, Shelby. “I know that each of our kids has been sent to our family so we could learn from each other. Having a transgender child has been a life-changing learning experience in the best way. Even though we have lots of differences within our family, we are in this together. Family means nobody gets left behind.” 

Shelby currently studies Music Production at SLCC. She plays the piano and guitar and records her own music. “Shelby is incredibly empathetic. She feels her emotions deeply and expresses herself beautifully through music,” says her mother. Shelby also values honesty and authenticity, and inspires those qualities in others. Becky says Shelby’s younger siblings “adore her -- they have a special relationship. And she keeps us laughing constantly.” 

Shortly before her 17th birthday, Shelby came out to her parents. She started medical and social (mtf) transition in spring of 2020, before coming out to her extended family and the world in September of 2020.

Becky now belongs to our “amazing” online support group for LDS parents of LGBTQ kids, and she values the advice of friends in similar situations who have helped her acknowledge that Shelby is the same person her family has always known her to be. “I think the best advice is to ask Heavenly Father how best to help and love your child.”

When it comes to the church, Becky says she would love for leadership to acknowledge that LGBTQ people and their families are “part of the church and that we matter. I want them to see us. I would love for policies regarding LGBTQ people to be more inclusive. I'd love to hear stories and talks where we acknowledge our LGBTQ loved ones.” For everyone else, she offers this advice: “If someone you love comes out as LGBTQ, please let them know you accept them and care about them regardless of what their church activity looks like.  Be interested in their lives and accomplishments, especially when it doesn't look like the typical LDS ‘covenant path’ timeline.”

Through loving Shelby unconditionally, Becky says, “I've felt a tiny slice of the love that I know Jesus feels for each of us. I don't love my children because of anything that they accomplish or what I think they could be in the future. I love them exactly as they are, today. I think this kind of love is the Savior's greatest gift to us.”

*** Much thanks to the Campbell family for sharing their story. We’d love to feature your (LGBTQ) family in our weekly Lift & Love at Home profiles! Please dm us. #liftandloveathome #liftandloveorg

The Winget Family

“You only need to do two things: love your family and trust me.” These were the divine words whispered into Robyn Winget’s heart when praying for guidance shortly after her then 27-year-old son Taylor came out two years ago. Luckily, Robyn knew it would be easy to do just that.

Now an empty nester living with her husband Jim in Eagle, Idaho, Robyn relished being a full-time mother of three and now loves it even more when they come home: Taylor and his husband Dallon, daughter Kaitlyn and her husband Tyler, and their son Parker who is engaged to be married in June. Robyn is looking forward to having three successful weddings under her belt, and for her equally supportive party-planning mother: three successful engagement parties for her grandchildren. Jim and Robyn appreciate how their extended family love and support all of their children. Everyone came to Taylor and Dallon’s wedding, and no one has ever said, “I love you but—” 

Taylor was already (quietly) dating his would-be husband, Dallon, at the time he confidently came out and told his parents he is gay, just a week after General Conference 2018. While Robyn and Jim were sorrowful over the pain he had lived with alone for years, Taylor’s coming out was a positive “we are going to be fine” experience for their entire family. For two years prior, Robyn had felt stirrings inside, a quiet preparatory voice that asked, “What would you do if one of your kids came out?” But Robyn already knew that child would be met with nothing but love. 

Taylor and Dallon are a Tinder success story and highly compatible – both returned missionaries raised in active, supportive LDS families. The couple now lives in South Jordan, UT where Taylor, a BYU graduate, works as a marketing project manager at BioFire and part-time as a realtor, which is Dallon’s full-time occupation. The two love to travel, work out, and bring the fun to family gatherings. Robyn says Taylor is “wickedly funny” with an apt quote from The Office for every occasion. 

Growing up, Taylor was a happy kid who played lacrosse and had a lot of friends... (cont'd in comments) 

Robyn says, “He was very obedient and my most temple-attending child. He thought if he did everything right, the Lord would ‘fix him’.” It was in the temple during his 20s that Taylor said he received a comforting personal revelation of his own, after asking his Heavenly Father if it would be okay for him to live his life as an openly gay man. The impressions he received were, “Man is not meant to be alone,” and “Men are that they might have joy.” 

While Taylor and Dallon claim they love the church and do not harbor bitter feelings, they “recognize this is probably not going to be a path for us” as living in a legal union precludes a gay couple from partaking of the sacrament. Robyn appreciates that the young bishop who lives in their neighborhood shows them genuine love and regularly invites them to church meetings and activities (they occasionally attend), by saying: “We want you with us. We are stronger with you.” 

When Taylor first came out, the first words from Robyn’s bishop’s mouth were, “I can’t imagine the amount of pain he has been in for the past years.” That response, and the fact that he and his wife came to Taylor’s wedding, has always stuck with Robyn as true discipleship. Her bishop also teaches, “We need to make the uncomfortable comfortable.” Robyn agrees, reasoning that if you are uncomfortable with another’s path, you need to get to know them better and make that your role. She is “grateful these remarkable leaders have lived their baptismal covenant: ‘to bear one another’s burdens’ which literally means to support us. To say, ‘I love you, but I can’t support you’ is not bearing one another’s burdens.” 

Robyn also appreciates it when members ask about her gay son’s marriage and life just like they inquire about her straight children. But when the occasional offensive comment or question comes her way, Robyn recognizes, “I can’t get angry with people for not knowing what they do not yet know.”  

The Winget family relies on the teachings of their prophet, President Nelson, who emphasizes the power and necessity of personal revelation. 

They are grateful for their experience to lift and love Taylor (who lifts and loves them right back), because they say they’ve learned great lessons they wouldn’t have otherwise. Robyn has met new friends on church pews who have confided their own struggles, feeling comfortable because her family also doesn’t “fit the mold.” 

Robyn is a temple worker, where she has felt the divine, godly love of a perfect Heavenly Father who, in a sacred experience, has conveyed He loves her and her entire family more than mortals can comprehend. That is her focus for the eternities. And for the now, she says she could not be more pleased with all Taylor has accomplished – he’s happy, in a committed marriage with a partner he loves, and he loves his family. Robyn takes great comfort in her eternal perspective: “I can’t imagine heaven without my family, and I know in my heart that won’t be the case.”

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If you’re willing to share your family’s story in a Lift and Love at Home profile, please dm us! #liftandlove #liftandloveathome