LIFT + LOVE BLOG
TO CONDONE OR NOT CONDONE?
It’s common to talk about condoning as it applies to LGBTQ people (whether they’ve actually done anything wrong or not), but why is this the thing that people feel they are obligated to judge, when there is an endless list of our neighbor’s actions and beliefs we could potentially choose to condone or not condone…
One of the most glorious truths of the gospel of Jesus Christ is that we are promised His Spirit to be with us. His Spirit is the ultimate gift of direction, love, correction, and the knowledge that the Savior’s hand is in our lives.
The Savior asks us to follow His commandments, the things he asks us to do through inspiration, and callings, etc.
You know what? NOWHERE are we asked to condone or not condone other people’s behaviors, feelings, identities, or beliefs. Christ has not asked us to do those things. (In fact, didn’t He say that we should NOT judge others?)
It’s common to talk about condoning as it applies to LGBTQ people (whether they’ve actually done anything wrong or not), but why is this the thing that people feel they are obligated to judge, when there is an endless list of our neighbor’s actions and beliefs we could potentially choose to condone or not condone?
If we spend our time determining everything our neighbors should (or shouldn’t) be doing, that would keep us so busy, we wouldn’t have time to breathe.
The Savior’s divine commandments make such good, simple sense - and, If properly followed, can create a much-needed unity in our world. #1- love Him and personally follow His commandments. #2- love your neighbor in a way that shines the love of the Savior on them.
The idea that we have the right to condone or not condone the lives of others didn’t come from the Savior. He is the only one who can rightly judge.
How can I HELP my neighbor?
THAT is the question. #loveoneanother
#Lgbtq #lgbt #latterdaysaints #latterdaysaint #lds #ldschurch #ldsparents #ldsparenting #ldsysa #lgbtqysa #lgbtqlds #ldslgbtq #liftandloveorg
GOD WILL YET REVEAL MANY GREAT & IMPORTANT THINGS
I am so grateful for this article of our faith. While some feel we know everything we need to know about men, women, marriage, family, our purpose, and the eternities, there are so, SO, many members whO still have a ton of questions…
I am so grateful for this article of our faith.
While some feel we know everything we need to know about men, women, marriage, family, our purpose, and the eternities, there are so, SO, many members who still have a ton of questions.
For LGBTQ individuals and families, these gaps in understanding are often the catalyst to a deeper dive into doctrine, scripture, and ongoing restoration. This scares loved ones who are watching, but countless people have told me they have grown much closer to the Savior because of their need for His comfort and answers they can only get directly from him.
This process can be an amazing testimony strengthener, but it’s exhausting.
If in the middle of this process, the church community dismisses their questions, declares adamantly that nothing will ever change, or fails to provide a hope-filled shelter for those who doubt, we have to understand, people will leave!
We are a people led by revelation given to prophets and apostles.
We are a people led by personal revelation given in our own language for our benefit and the benefit of our families.
We are a people who believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things, TOGETHER! - Allison
#Lgbtq #lgbt #latterdaysaints #latterdaysaint #lds #ldschurch #ldsparents #ldsparenting #ldsysa #lgbtqysa #lgbtqlds #ldslgbtq #liftandloveorg
WHY ARE SO MANY FAMILIES WITH LGBTQ CHILDREN LEAVING THE CHURCH?
Most visibly "out" individuals in past decades were adult gay men. Because homosexuality was considered a choice and viewed as a threat to family and religious values, most were pushed out or left family and religious communities and existed on the wild edges of society. Too many struggled to feel worthy of God's love...
Most visibly "out" individuals in past decades were adult gay men. Because homosexuality was considered a choice and viewed as a threat to family and religious values, most were pushed out or left family and religious communities and existed on the wild edges of society. Too many struggled to feel worthy of God's love.
A few families bravely maintained healthy, loving connections with their LGBTQ children; fewer openly supported them.
Of the many changes over the last five decades, I believe the most important is happening inside families. Equipped with vocabulary and "out" peers, children are more comfortable coming out to parents as they begin to understand their differences often when they are still in Primary or YM/YW.
These children are so young, and innocent parents are fiercely protective of their emotional, physical, social, and spiritual well-being. Parents have heard tragic first-hand accounts of pain experienced by LGBTQ friends or family. Many parents report sacred, personal revelations guiding them to listen to and support their children.
The parents I work with daily are desperate for a healthy and whole life for their children.
The impact of this shift cannot be understated; it is seismic!
As the family adjusts to their new reality, they attend church for the same love, support, and religious nourishment they have always received. They may now experience awkwardness or marginalization from long-time friends and leaders. They attend church meetings and seminary classes where some teachers and others say being LGBTQ is not part of God's plan, or worse, it's part of Satan's. When a family can't find a safe and supportive place, they will leave broken-hearted. Often before anyone in the ward is even aware of the LGBTQ child.
The Lift and Love Foundation exists to help LGBTQ Latter-Day Saint families stay connected to each other and to the Savior. Join us as we work to make our wards and homes safe places for all our Heavenly Parent's children, including (and maybe especially) their LGBTQ children. - Allison
#ldsparents #ldsparenting #ldsysa #lgbtqysa #lgbtqlds #ldslgbtq #liftandloveorg
Respecting Pronouns - A Simple Way to Help Save Lives
Lift+Love Transgender Mama Specialist Anita Ervin has compiled an easy-to-understand resource titled “Transgender and Non-Binary Education” that covers many of the basic facts about being transgender or non-binary. It’s great for beginners or anyone who has questions about what it means to be transgender or non-binary…
Lift+Love Transgender Mama Specialist Anita Ervin has compiled an easy-to-understand resource titled “Transgender and Non-Binary Education” that covers many of the basic facts about being transgender or non-binary. It’s great for beginners or anyone who has questions about what it means to be transgender or non-binary. You can find the document on the Lift+Love website in the educate section (under “helpful info”). She covers definitions, pronouns & appropriate verbiage, and more. Check it out - you will learn a lot!
Want a shortcut to Anita’s resource? Click here to go directly to her article.
Statistics source: the American Academy of Pediatrics https://publications.aap.org/pediatrics/article/142/4/e20174218/76767/Transgender-Adolescent-Suicide-Behavior?autologincheck=redirected
How to protect your marriage while raising an LGBTQ child
According to the Wall Street Journal article, “Here Comes the Baby, There Goes the Marriage” approximately two-thirds of couples see the quality of their relationship plummet within three years of the birth of a child. Within five years after the birth of a first child, over 40 percent percent of couples will go their separate ways…
Did you know that children can be a marriage-killer?
According to the Wall Street Journal article, “Here Comes the Baby, There Goes the Marriage” approximately two-thirds of couples see the quality of their relationship plummet within three years of the birth of a child. Within five years after the birth of a first child, over 40 percent percent of couples will go their separate way
These numbers do not surprise me because parenting is the hardest job in the world. Parenting an LGBTQ child comes with even more unique challenges. You are giving a lot of your energy to your child and that doesn’t leave a lot left over for your marriage.
This is a common pattern that I have seen with my LGBTQ parent clients. They are so focused on helping their LGBTQ child that the by-product can be a marriage that starts to suffer.
So what can do you do to protect your marriage?
Our experience
When my son was first having emotional issues and then later came out as gay, the one emotion that I remember feeling was exhaustion.
Our family was experiencing so many overwhelming emotions. Everyday there was a new dynamic or situation that needed urgent discussion with my husband. It felt like my husband’s and I interactions focused 100% around my son and everything felt hard.
At the time, I thought we were just doing what was necessary to cope and survive and I didn’t see another way to handle it. This led to a constant feeling of heaviness in our relationship that actually made this time with my son harder to deal with.
I knew we needed to take a step back and figure out how to lighten the load and to start protecting our marriage. I started to examine our patterns and how we could do it better.
What I found was when I become more intentional in protecting our marriage that it actually created a stronger place of strength to help my son with his challenges.
Focus on Strengths not Weaknesses
Parenting is a team sport not an individual sport. It’s not a competition with who is the better parent.
There are some situations that John just has better skills in handling. I love that he is so calm in a crisis and I know that he loves that I am good at deescalating an argument.
You both don’t have to be good at everything. In fact, having different strengths actually makes you a more powerful parenting team.
The key is to not beat each other up on what you are not good at. Be very intentional to focus on each other’s strengths and not each other’s weaknesses.
How you do this is to think daily thoughts of how your spouse is doing it right. Whatever we are thinking our brains will find evidence for. Think the thought, find evidence for the thought, and then share with your spouse how they are doing it right. This 3-step process will make a huge difference in your relationship.
Create a Safe Place
You need to be each other’s safe place. What this looks like is you can say what is bothering you, no matter how petty it is, and the other person will not judge you for your thoughts.
In order for this to be safe place – you let each other see your “ugly” in a judgment free zone. You can be honest and vulnerable with each other and know that your spouse still loves and respects you.
We are all human beings with complicated emotions. Having a space to process all your hurts, inadequacies and ugly thoughts is as necessary to your mental health as exercising is for your physical health.
There are going to be days you don’t like your child. When you will say something stupid or your neighbor says something stupid. Life is messy. You need a place to process these hurts so you be emotionally healthy.
Everybody needs “that” person to process the ugly part of ourselves and lives – be “that” person for each other in your lives and your marriage will become stronger.
Tag Team
There are going to be days that you will be completely done. You will be done with the talking. You will be done with the worry. You will not feel up to being the parent.
Know your limits. If you are not feeling emotionally equipped to handle the day’s crisis, then it is time to tag out.
John and I assume we are both doing our best at all times. We also know that we will have hard days. Luckily our hard days usually haven’t occurred at the same time.
When one of us is having a hard day we have made tagging out part of our marriage culture. We respect each other’s limits. We don’t belittle each other for being honest about our capability. We pick up the parenting slack for each other as needed.
The ability to be honest with each other when we need additional help has created more love and understanding in our marriage.
Stop thinking they are doing it wrong
One time I was cooking with my sister and I was cutting an onion. She came over and instructed me how I was cutting the onion wrong. Her critique made the cooking experience a lot less fun. This is a funny example but we all sometimes make the mistake thinking our way is the best way and we forget that there is more than one way to cut an onion!
One of the biggest mistakes we make in marriage is to judge our spouse with how they are parenting. There are many ways to handle parenting – just like there are many ways to cut an onion.
Look for common ground. You don’t have to parent the same. You just have to agree to respect each other’s parenting styles.
When I have thoughts that my husband is not handling a situation right I immediately create disconnection with him. We all have opinions of how things should be done but if we want to protect our marriage you need to manage those thoughts.
When I see my thoughts go to “he is doing it wrong”– I have learned to add to those thoughts – Who says? Why do I think I know what is the best way for him to react or act? I remind myself that I am not the expert – that there are many ways to cut an onion!
I have trained my brain to go to– “he is doing the best he can” and “I am doing the best I can.” These thoughts keep me feeling connected to him especially when we are experiencing a situation with high emotions.
Create Space for Your Marriage
Creating space for your marriage needs to be a time priority. Parenting a LGBTQ child can make you feel on high alert constantly. There is not a lot of coasting when it comes to your parenting. It’s exhausting. It’s hard to feel connected and sexy when you are exhausted, worried and feeling a lot of fear for your child.
We found that regardless of how hard the week was we needed to carve out couple time. You might be thinking date night can’t solve everything, but it solves a lot. Some weeks I would live for that couple hours away with John, where I could be the girlfriend and not the mom. Having that balance in our lives help sustain us in the harder moments.
Get help
If you feel like you don’t know how to change your current patterns get help. If you are emotionally distancing yourself from each other and living parallel lives get help. If you are feeling overwhelmed with the stress of raising an LGBTQ child get help.
I repeat the “get help” because it is important. Your relationship with your spouse is your most important relationship. Treat it like it is. Respect your relationship enough to get it the right resources.
When you’re faced with a situation that feels out of control, professional help can be a godsend. A neutral third party can assess and offer perspective, and even help you develop a game plan for how to handle your specific hard.
I feel passionate about marriage. A strong marriage not only makes life a lot more fun but it makes your kids stronger. I have seen many of my clients completely change the culture of their marriage when they are equipped with the right tools.
-Jenie
HOW CAN I TALK TO MY KIDS ABOUT DATING, MARRIAGE, ETC WHEN SOME ARE LGBTQ & SOME ARE STRAIGHT?
This is the reality for any family with gay and straight kids. The fact is, the law of chastity is different for our gay and lesbian children, they are asked to live the law of celibacy, with no help or support. A search of the church website brings up celibacy under both the Topical Guide and the Guide to the Scriptures, but each only says, “see marriage, marry”…
This is the reality for any family with gay and straight kids. The fact is, the law of chastity is different for our gay and lesbian children, they are asked to live the law of celibacy, with no help or support. A search of the church website brings up celibacy under both the Topical Guide and the Guide to the Scriptures, but each only says, “see marriage, marry”…
screenshots from the www.churchofjesuschrist.org “topical guide” and “guide to the scriptures” after searching for the term “celibacy”
Parents of LGBTQ children are so often on their own to navigate with no map and often no support.
To church members who don’t face these challenging dilemmas, we only ask for support and love- and that you might add your prayers to ours, as we pray for more light and knowledge to shine on our LGBTQ Latter-Day Saint families - Allison
This blog post was originally a @liftandloveorg social media post on Instagram April 20th, 2022. Many experienced LGBTQ parents and LGBTQ individuals posted their thoughts, experiences, and suggestions as comments to that post, so you may want to check out that post on Instagram for more information.
LGBTQ youth are reaching coming out milestones at younger ages than in previous years
LGBTQ youth are reaching coming out milestones at younger ages than in previous years…
According to the Trevor Project @trevorproject report on “Age of Sexual Orientation Outness and Suicide Risk” October 10, 2022: “LGBTQ youth are not inherently prone to poor mental health and suicide risk because of their LGBTQ identity but rather placed at higher risk because of the stigma and mistreatment they face on the basis of their identity (Meyer, 2003)…LGBTQ youth are reaching coming out milestones at younger ages than in previous years (Meyer et al., 2021)...These findings further convey that coming out in and of itself is not harmful to youth, at any age. Rather, it is the harmful environments in which LGBTQ youth find themselves that contribute to the negative outcomes we see. Overall, this suggests that instead of insisting that younger LGBTQ youth not come out for fear of exposure to bullying and harassment, the people in their lives should create environments in which they can do so safely. This is particularly true given that choosing to delay coming out, for a variety of valid reasons, was also associated with increased suicide risk. The constant is that LGBTQ youth who have support from others report better outcomes, suggesting that parents and family members, teachers, school administrators, and other direct service providers must ensure that the spaces LGBTQ youth find themselves in are affirming and supportive of their identities. For example, they can help advocate for and implement LGBTQ-inclusive school policies, from zero tolerance for anti-LGBTQ bullying and harassment and bystander intervention training to non-discrimination protections and suicide prevention policies and classroom curricula that reflect the experiences of LGBTQ students”
Learn more at www.thetrevorproject.com
#Lgbtq #lgbt #latterdaysaints #latterdaysaint #lds #ldschurch #ldsparents #ldsparenting #ldsysa #lgbtqysa #lgbtqlds #ldslgbtq #liftandloveorg #nationalcomingoutday #NationalComingOutDay #ComingOutDay #HappyComingOutDay #HappyNationalComingOutDay
What can i do to prepare for Sunday lessons about the temple?
If you are a Young Women Leader, a member of the Bishopric, or other youth leader involved with the Sunday lessons, please take special care to remember that this could be a sensitive topic for many of the youth (whether you are aware of their concerns or not). Love and teach like the Savior, and let the Spirit guide you in teaching these important (but sensitive) lessons…
If you are a Young Women Leader, a member of the Bishopric, or other youth leader involved with the Sunday lessons, please take special care to remember that this could be a sensitive topic for many of the youth (whether you are aware of their concerns or not). Love and teach like the Savior, and let the Spirit guide you in teaching this important (but sensitive) lesson.
Here are some suggestions:
PS-
If you’re not sure why this subject might be sensitive for some youth (and adults), see the graphics below for more info!
GO AND SIN NO MORE (RIGHT?)
In the last little while, I’ve heard many people use this phrase as a reason to withhold support or condemn LGBTQ people. How did this happen?…
In the last little while, I’ve heard many people use this phrase as a reason to withhold support or condemn LGBTQ people. How did this happen?
The story of the woman taken in adultery is one of my favorites. It is the very message of the atoning gift of the Savior and the grace He offers each of us.
You know the story. The scholars and the Pharisees bring a woman caught in adultery the place her in the middle of the Temple court and ask Jesus what should be done with her. It’s an obvious trick to convict the Savior. In response Jesus simply says, “Let the person among you who has never done wrong throw the first stone at her.”
So, here’s the really tricky part, the law demands that she be stoned to death. Had any one in the crowd felt they were good enough to throw stones, they might have become a killer.
Skipping to the end misses the layers of beauty in the Savior’s way of loving each of us.
First, He protects her by clearing away those who mean her harm. Only then does speak directly to her about the things she has done. When she tells him no one is left to condemn her, He says to her, “Neither do I condemn thee. Go and sin no more.”
Sometimes we’re the woman, sometimes we’ the crowd, but Jesus Christ is always the light and the way through our own complicated circumstances.
Using the line, “Go and sin no more” to point out where you think others are wrong, is a lot like waiting in the shadows until the Savior leaves and then picking up one of the unused stones and hucking it at her. - Allison
1 in 5 Gen Z adults (ages 18-25) identify as LGBTQ
One in five Gen Z adults (ages 18-25) identify as LGBTQ…The percentage of U.S. adults who self-identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender or something other than heterosexual has increased to a new high of 7.1%, which is double the percentage from 2012, when Gallup first measured it…
LGBTQ identification up from 5.6% in 2020 - One in five Gen Z adults (ages 18-25) identify as LGBTQ
The percentage of U.S. adults who self-identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender or something other than heterosexual has increased to a new high of 7.1%, which is double the percentage from 2012, when Gallup first measured it.
Source: https://news.gallup.com/poll/389792/lgbt-identification-ticks-up.aspx
Is "Conversion Therapy" still a thing?
Is “conversion therapy” for LGBTQ individuals still happening? According to the recent Trevor Project LGBTQ Mental Health Survey, 17% of current LGBTQ youth have been threatened with or have been forced to undergo these types of therapies. Did you know that LGBTQ kids who are threatened with and/or undergo these conversion therapies are more than TWICE as likely to attempt suicide? What is the church* policy on “conversion therapy”?…
***Trigger warnings - discussion of suicide / suicide attempts and conversion therapy***
Is “conversion therapy” for LGBTQ individuals still happening? According to the recent Trevor Project LGBTQ Mental Health Survey, 17% of current LGBTQ youth have been threatened with or have been forced to undergo these types of therapies.
Did you know that LGBTQ kids who are threatened with and/or undergo these conversion therapies are more than TWICE as likely to attempt suicide?
What is the church* policy on “conversion therapy”?
Methods of “fixing” LGBTQ+ are not effective and are harmful. A change in attraction should not be expected or demanded.
"Family Services has a longstanding and express policy against using therapies that seek to repair, 'convert," or 'change' sexual orientation (such as from homosexual to heterosexual). Research demonstrates that electric shock, aversion therapy, and other analogous therapies are ineffective and harmful to youth who experience same-sex attraction" (Church Website Official Statement)
For more information about therapy that could be helpful to LGBTQ+ individuals and their families, we recommend seeking counsel from licensed professionals. You can find a list of resources on our website here.
*the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints
The OG Lift+Lover
My dear mom passed away last night surrounded by her family. We were so lucky she was able to tell each of us how much she loves us, even @_Lukedayton on his mission. It was so hard, but it was also time. She lived an amazing life…
The OG Lift+Lover.
My dear mom passed away, surrounded by her family. We were so lucky she was able to tell each of us how much she loves us, even @_Lukedayton on his mission. It was so hard, but it was also time. She lived an amazing life.
The way Sally Grant (Sarah Jane Moyle Creer Grant) momm’d is the impetus for all things Lift+Love. People always ask me if I am like her?
Not at all.
My mom is private and would not share her ideas and opinions with the world like I have done. She is thoughtful and private, intellectual, resilient, eloquent and elegant.
She is like so many of you, not comfortable sharing her life with everyone. She was quiet about struggles they had raising a gay son in the 70’s and 80’s. She was quiet about his struggles and about the conflict that remaining in the church, caused between she and her first born son. She talked to very few people about having a gay son, and spoke openly and defiantly only in her old age.
But, she loved my brother absolutely. She did the best she could in a time of terrible information, stereotypes and doctrinal misunderstandings.
She had total faith, to the very end, that our family was sealed and would be together FOREVER. All of us, not most of us, not a few of us, ALL OF US!!!
No one could ever give her any good reason or doctrinally sound perspective, that would make her worry about the eternal future of her gay son. He was her child and the child of Heavenly Parents. She trusted the sealing power of her temple marriage and the peace she had from the Savior. Her work was to keep our family together and to love her son, even when everything was very hard.
She was the OG Latter-Day Saint LGBTQ Mama, amazing in her own quiet and incredibly stubborn way. And today, she is holding my dad and my brother. I feel a little left out.
BTW-I told her to get back to me, somehow, about the all the mysteries around our LGBTQ kids. She said she would. I’ll let you all know what she reports.